Shell-shocked, though not a term seen as politically correct to use in this day and age, even in this modern era it carries a lot of weight. Though the effects of the scars of war on a veteran’s mental and emotional well being are widely known to the American public today, often it seems like one of those topics we tend to tip toe around, not wanting to fully acknowledge it. I think it is because it times of uncertainty we as human beings need to believe that our heroes are invincible so that we may feel strong. However, the effect of this comforting delusion is that we neglect those that are supposed to be our heroes, when they need to depend on us. This poem called “The Following Are Some of the Feelings That Most Will Never Know” is written by Robert R., a marine veteran of the Iraq and Afghanistan war.
The Following Are Some of the Feelings
That Most Will Never Know
Today I freaked out in a store where danger was non-existent.
Maybe if I stay up all night doing coke there won’t be any nightmares.
But I can’t go without sleep.
The war is over for me.
I don’t understand why I panic or break out into sweats
or fits of anger.
Today I saw most of my family for the first time in a year.
Nothing felt real; everyone was but a stranger passing by me on a street.
“Dissociation” is the term, I believe.
I feel like my mind has shattered
and that I left my soul in Iraq.
I don’t want to admit that I’m hurting inside.
When my emotions were shut off,
I didn’t get to choose which ones I would keep.
I feel utterly lost.
I used to be strong and proud.
Now all I can think about is what I saw, what I experienced.
Nothing in the world seems to matter beyond that.
I think more now, and when I speak it’s with a sarcastic tone.
Months of feeling dead inside are followed by a week of depression and tears.
I feel weak and frail, my identity and faith shattered.
In “The Odyssey,” Homer asked:
“Must you carry the bloody horror of combat in your heart forever?”
The answer still eludes me.
-Robert R.
War and Social Change 